Kingdom Journal

This is a post I’ve been wondering if I wanted to write, much less leave open for others to read. If you decide to read on, please do so with compassion and understanding of my reasoning. I’m not looking for a debate. I’m not looking for an argument. I’m not looking for an evaluation. I’m not looking for a hug or one of those passing sympathetic glances. I’m not really even looking for an opinion, I just felt like this was meant to be read by someone other than myself and that is the ONLY reason it is here -S

In the last few months, I have experienced some pretty heavy things. I’m still recovering and still, I can’t say a word of it.

No, not word of it
to anybody.

This doesn’t feel normal. This doesn’t feel okay. I am a Believer and yet the only one I feel I can truly confide in is God. That is not a normal thing, right?

Anyway, I’m fine. I feel as though I am being healed, my heart is healing, my body is healing, my mind is healing. But what I find problematic is that I cannot talk about it.

So that begs the question: Am I really healed if I’m the only one (aside from the people involved) who knows about it? Am I really whole if I can’t talk about it?

I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve decided that it’s not that I can’t talk about it. It’s not that the words cannot come out of my mouth, it’s that I can’t see why I should.

I see the way people feed on the problems and plagues of others. They make it a conversation piece, rather than handle it responsibly. I’m not trustworthy with the bad news other people are willing to admit to everyone. It’s like in my head, if you’re willing to air your dirty laundry out in front of everyone, you’re willing to let it become a conversation piece over coffee.

This is wrong, by the way.

I mainly know many people who agree with me when I talk about it like it’s not wrong, but I know deep in my heart that it is. I play both sides of this card and I hate myself for it. I am as sharp-tongued as anybody when it comes to this sort of thing. 

Granted, I will never share thing people share with my in confidence. That is NO ONE’s business. I am a safe for anyone with a broken heart and the need of a shoulder to cry on… and yet, I have listened and done absolutely nothing as someone else shared the deep, dark secret of someone else.

This bothers me. 

For both selfish and selfless reasons, I hate this and I hate this part of myself. 

Some people want to be talked about. I, on the other hand, do not. I’d rather that you’d just as soon forget about me completely than talk all day long about what’s wrong with me.

When I was young, I was often forgotten. I was often left out. I was often the last for everything… I thought that hurt. I was dead wrong. What hurts is being the human being thing that everyone is constantly talking about. Ouch.

I don’t want to be talked about. And yet, I don’t really want to be talked to either when it comes to problems of mine. I’d rather hear yours. And I’d rather make shallow complaints if I have to touch on anything that bothers me, but you had better stay away from my heart. You had better get your attention away from any part of me that means something real to me. These are filed under the “never spoken” file in my heart and I have the utmost security on it.

This isn’t healthy, is it?

I believe I have just developed a sense of a hard heart. I bet you didn’t even know I had one, did you?

Well, I was probably unaware of yours too, but I bet anything that you feel just the same I do about these things.

I feel like I talk myself into feeling guilty over this. Yet at the same time, I am at peace, knowing that I will come through with wisdom and strength. I’m not really looking for response here, but sometimes I feel like this is one of those subjects that in the church, is so often glazed over with a coat of “forget confectioners, you’d better just shut your freakin mouth and not say another word about it” sugar. Or it’s swallowed with a tall glass of water as a “and that’s all you need to know about that, onto a prettier subject” pill.  

When does guarding your heart cross the line? When does a guarded heart become a hard heart?

Truth be known, there are few souls I feel I can trust with my my most personal confessions and struggles. VERY few.

There are many reasons. Some or even all which I’m sure you can relate to: Some people don’t know the difference between personal information and coffee talk. Some don’t know how to deal with certain things. Some people genuinely would not understand. This is not the fault of others. Some are just better counsel than others. To each their own, ya know?

Realistically, I just find little reason to run to everyone crying just because I’ve got a hangnail. If I have a problem, usually, I also have the answer readily available through prayer, reading scripture, fasting or what have you. If I still can’t hang, then maybe we’ll talk. 

You readers honestly get closer than anybody in my life to my innermost thoughts, desires and failures. This is as comfortable as I am with it, not a single step further or it crosses my line of composure. 

The few people I completely trust, I feel, have more important things to do with their time. Either that, or it just never seems like the right time to bring up such things. 

I am facing a very confusing complex right now. 

I am not a stupid girl. I don’t have the right or privilege of being such. Not with what I’ve been made aware of. Not with the time I live in. Not with the work that there is to be done. I’m not stupid, so I know that there is always something more important to be dealt with. 

I feel guilty breaking down in front of someone over my silly problems when there are people all over the world, all around me even, that are facing REAL problems. 

And then there is the reasoning that if I can’t get right, if I can’t get help, if I can’t be healed, then what good am I to anyone else with a problem?

This is post is already so long. Though these are the thoughts I’m thinking within the first 5 minutes of my day much of time. Silly, isn’t it? Strange, isn’t it?

And again, I am not saying that I am not being restored. Though I wonder at times, if I’m doing this right. 

On the one hand, I have suffered in silence. Complete, utter, skin-crawling, terrifying silence. 

On the other hand, I have the best comfort I could ever get and have grown so much closer in my walk with God. 

Overall, I think I will go crazy if I don’t find the balance soon. 

Thoughts? Comments? You are free to lay them on me. As a Believer, what do you feel is the right thing to do?

If you took your problems to God, do you still need to share them with your friends or other people? If not, is it because you don’t trust others enough to hold your information or even understand? And if that’s the case, is it bad to not trust others?

(Again, keep in mind, I am not talking about stupid middle-class America problems. I’m talking about very real suffering, the sort that seems it’s almost NEVER appropriate to bring up in proper conversation) 

Let the Revival Begin.