Kingdom Journal

It is on my heart, and my most sincere prayer that this moment stay fresh inside of me for all the days of my life.

It was just after 3AM when I wrote this initially. While many of you were sleeping. Grabbing hold of those brave adventures and unruly mysteries. All of those sweet aspirations and quite “impossibly good” things that I only hope your dreams are full of each night. 

“If you are scared by the shadow that follows you, just remember, wherever shadows fall, light is always nearby.”

It has not been uncommon for me to retain somewhere between 2 and 6 hours of sleep a night in the last month. Much of the rest has been filled with countless glasses of water, quiet moments in the dark and episodes of old sitcoms via Netflix. Eatting saltines alone while leaning on my kitchen counter and trying to lull myself away from the paranoia of the creepy-crawlies I kept finding in my bedroom (brown spiders… needless to say, I went poison-crazy the other day) though the trauma of finding them jolts me right out of slumber each night again until I am so tired that I just can’t be afraid anymore.

I am slowly coming down from this phobia, and I will be thankful when it is fully gone since I’ve felt I’ve been of no use to anyone for what feels like weeks now. 

As I enjoyed my 2-ish-A.M. saltines and drank my freezing cold glass of water straight up, I stood dead in my tracks a moment. Above the glass doors leading to my backyard, there is a high-rise ceiling with a wide window. I realized this window serves no purpose but for my enjoyment. You could not see anything if looking into it from outside and you couldn’t see any thing around you by looking out of it from indoors. The only thing you can see is the sky.

And that’s when I saw it.

I drew a deep sip of cold water as my eyes fixed upon it.

One single star.

Brilliant and unashamed. I looked at it deeply, as though it could look back at me. As though it could look into me. 

I moved a bit to see if I could feast my eyes on any other stars, any other light for that matter. This star stood alone.

And perhaps it is all of the Christmas music I have been listening to as of late, but something about this symbol in the darkest sky of 3am, gave me a sense of peace and a passion to rise timely. It ultimately reminded me of another “darkest time”.

History paints a lovely picture of the future, wouldn’t you say?

The world has hurt forever, but some times are just notably worse than others. What a horrible place. Politics ruining livelihoods. Religion becoming a hostile, hot-button issue. Vanity, suddenly more important than valor or virtue. Pleasure over a passionate pursuit.

We live in a dark time… but so did they. 

Believe it or not, I was just describing the Roman world in the early B.C and A.D era. It’s no surprise to me that the words parallel in each era. 

Nothing draws a better analogy to the spiritual and emotional darkness like physical darkness. Time appears to be drawn to it’s darkest at night. 

So one bright-lit dot of light in the middle of immense darkness? Of all things, why did it have to be that?

I was reminded, most certainly of wise men. Men who possessed great wisdom, purpose, and authority. All who, just like you and me, needed a Saviour.

So they followed this great star that appeared in the East. This great light that shined bright in the night. This light that stood alone in the darkness. 

And that’s just it. I was looking at this star and I was not thinking “oh, how insignificant. Where is the moon to show this thing up?” and I didn’t concern myself with the need of other stars. My eye was also not drawn to the overwhelming mass of negative space.

My focus instead remained on this one, small dot of light.

The darkness was so vast, it took up the entire sky… but even so, the only thing I could think of was how much I loved to look at the light. How absent the night seemed while this star was in my sight.

This year has not been an easy one. It has taken turns being cold, dark, lonely, bothersome, confusing and even downright terrifying. There are things I have experienced, people I have met, relationships I have had that I’ve yet to bring myself to talk about even with my closest Loved ones… it is easy to be overwhelmed by the vast negative space around you, to focus on how great the darkness is rather than how brilliant the light shines. It’s easy to let your heart be troubled and look at what the rest of the world looks at all day long.

But if we keep our focus on the Light, even if it just seems too small to make a difference, we’ll lose all site of the darkness and in our eyes, there will only be room to do things by the light.

I watched that star a while. In the peaceful quiet, I remained humbled and brought to a peaceful place I much too often let my eyes wander from.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
-John 1.5

Let the Revival Begin.