Lessons Already Learned
It’s funny.
Of every person in the world, you would not assume the poor, lowly or disadvantaged would be prideful.
You would think they would be humble because they have seen the lowest of lows…
You would think they would be honest because they have seen worldly realism…
You would think they would be hopeful because they see a better example set before them…
And yet, I’m one of the most prideful people I know. Poor in spirit, lowly in esteem and disadvantaged through my own self-limited evaluations.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1.7
“So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”” -Hebrews 13.6
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” -Philippians 1.6
And yet, my sin is perfectly excusable in the eyes of the people I speak to each day. My self-centered heart thinks constantly of how I’ve messed up and how others are judging me for it. I value myself less than a perfect stranger on the street. Others have always, and at this rate, will always come first and yeah this equation is taught to make sense (others before self), but there is one major factor missing from the equation of my feeble little life. God.
Serving the creation without serving the Creator. When did this come about? Where has the strength gone? Where is the full-forced focus that keeps me going until the end?
Much of this is rhetorical, but I know I can’t be the only one with this mindset. I feel trapped by my own foolish devices and harmful to those that get involved.
Because I have tried to do this like other people have. I don’t know how they function. I don’t know how their life works out but it has been made perfectly clear that I am no one else but me. To think my faith works the same is a shame. To think my outcome will be identical is a poor way of humoring myself.
This year, I was the victim of a crime. Since then, my mind has been a vacant space. My heart has been full of hurt. My eyes don’t look away anymore. My hands don’t know their work. My mouth has still not confessed it and at times I feel I no longer know my worth. I am confused and honestly quite scared. This is torture because I am no longer at peace being alone with my thoughts. My entire life, even when the entire world was crashing down, my mind was the only place where things made sense.
I’ve alluded to it in previous blogs and tried desperately to tell someone. At this time, however, I’ve yet to be out with it and that is taring me up inside!
The world watches, I can be lonely in a sea of people. People quietly judging me or my family or me for what my family does… people that want to be a part of it so they spend their whole time talking about it, rather than just getting involved. I’ve heard more gossip than I can handle. I’ve felt more glares than I can handle. My personal struggles have been broadcast for the town more times than I can handle. So someone tell me, where do I go when I am broken too? Where do I go when I just need to cry? Who do I turn to when I need help getting back to God? I feel trapped in this personal prison!
As much as I would like to blame this event or anyone involved for why I’ve been so quiet and screwed up these last few months, to give it that kind of power makes me feel like the devil gets his man (or woman, in this case).
I expect God to forgive others, yet I can’t bask in the fact that He forgives me too… no, not just that He forgave me, but that He forgives me each day too.
He forgives my imperfect ideas, stubborn heart, immoral practices and relentless pessimism. He is great and honorable but I’ve been poor and useless. He is the light of the world but I’ve been a dimly lit candle. He is grace and mercy but I’ve been harsh and judgmental. He is the most encompassing provision and I’m a poorly knit sweater.
Am I alone? No… but I’m so very tired, at times I feel like I won’t last.
I realize I’ve been hanging out in the valley too long. In the valley, in the darkness of night, my heart breaks as I look around at what I have become.
Painted faces, shallow regards, steadfast reservations and a zombie body that carries me from one task to the next.
There is a part in the bible where Moses comes to a burning bush and the Lord begins to speak to him. Moses asks God what His name is, he says
“’If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?’ God said to Moses, ‘I AM WHO I AM.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel,’I AM has sent me to you.’”” -Exodus 3.13&14
My brother has this fabulous philosophy on the name God told Moses. “I AM”, so that when you are afraid and ask “who is there to help me?”, “who is there to hear my cries?”, ” who is with me?”, “who’s coming to save me?”, “who’s guiding my path”… God would take our hand and say to us “I AM”.
Lord… Let the Revival Begin.
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My dearest readers,
I wish I had something more encouraging to say to you all today. I’ve been getting a lot of messages in my inbox asking me where I’ve gone and why I’ve stopped blogging as much. I hope this post is insight to those who’ve asked. I’m still here and I still Love you all dearly and pray for you often. You guys have been so kind and encouraging to me and I wish you all well.
For now though, I ask that you guys please pray with/for me. If you have anything to say (such as a similar experience to share), please do. I know this post made me sound so broken and honestly, I am but I know where to find strength again. I know that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom for me. I think I mostly just needed to vent and seriously ask you guys to pray for me. Thank you kindly and know that I will always return the favor. My inbox is still open, so if you ever need anything, you already know what to do. I Love all of you guys and appreciate your continued support.
-S
